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The Arse Bandits: The Movie
Scene 1 - A Hillside in Wicklow
The camera swings around the Wicklow mountains before going around a mountain, then slowly closing in on a figure on the side of the mountain. It is Intercontinental Arse sitting in a meditation pose, eyes closed.
Extreme close up on eyes, which flash open when we hear a woman's screams.
Intercontinental jumps up, and without a thought as to his own safety, runs across a ledge, nearly falling off twice, before skidding across and catching the falling climber by the neck as she falls past. She is a beautiful woman, whos boobs are nearly coming out of her climber's suit
Climber - Wow! Thanks, you saved me. How can I ever repay you?
Intercontinental Arse - You already have, friend, you already have.
Intercontinental stares deeply into space, still holding the climber by the neck, as the climber looks up at Intercontinental and smiles like a saved puppy dog.
Scene 2 - Outside Intercontinental's House
Outside Intercontinental's house are millions of news vans.
Reporter to camera - Here I am outside the home of Intercontinental Arse, who today became even more of a national hero after saving the President's beautiful daughter in a climbing accident. The two claim they have no plans to marry, but after such a whirlwind romance, there can be surely no doubt where this is heading. Rumour has it that Intercontinental has already accepted Hello!s offer of 200 grand for the wedding photos. Oh, here he comes now.
Intercontinental - Hello, and thank you for coming. Today, as you all know, I saved the President's daughter when she fell off a mountain.
Everyone claps.
Intercontinental - Thank you all. You're all really great to me.
Everyone claps and cheers as the President walks over, shakes hands and pat each other on the back.
President - Thank you son, I don't know how I could have survived if I lost my daughter, she's all I have now you know.
Everyone claps more.
Intercontinental - Anyone would have done the same in my position.
President - Not everyone could have run across three hazardous mountain paths where good climbers are always dying, jump and catch her without hurting her.
Intercontinental smiles as the crowd cheers + claps. The Daughter comes out of Intercontinental's house wearing tight short shorts and a small t-shirt.
Intercontinental - I'm sorry that's al I had, I donated the rest of my old clothes to a children's charity.
Daughter - I'm just glad you were there. You are the best human ever.
She hugs him as the media clap, cheer and wipe tears from their eyes, as does the President.
President - Let us not forget that this man is actually already a national hero.
Intercontinental - Aw shucks, it was nothing.
He blushes.
President - Oh no, I want you to get full credit for every brilliant ting you've ever done. Though I don't know if these camerapeople will listen to me tell them all of your brilliance for the next 10 days!
Everyone laughs lots.
President -This is the man who single handedly fought a group of terrorists who took over a downtown skyscraper and freed all of the hostages unharmed, including my daughter. He was also great that time at the airport at Christmas with the terrorists there. And let's not forget the time that he went to space on shuttle with the astronauts trained to fly the shuttle, to destroy the asteroid that was going to destroy earth. When the missile failed, and the trained pilots were unconscious he learned how to fly the shuttle, parked it beside the asteroid, jumped off and spent 2 and a half hours kicking bits off it until there was no danger, before flying the shuttle home whilst giving the others resuscitation, but not CPR, so he didn't spread or catch any germs.
The whole crowd on the street is cheering, clapping, high 5ing each other, and even the most manly cameramen crying like babies.
Daughter - That's why I love Intercontinental Arse.
She leans over and kisses his cheek, as the crowd fall silent and gasp together.
Reporter - Does this mean???
Daughter - Yep. I'm going to marry this hunk of a man. He wasn't Mr. World 1998 for no reason you know. And he's a caring human too - he didn't enter last year just to give the others a chance to build up their self esteem. He's the best human ever.
Everyone else except Intercontinental - Aaaah.
Reporter 2 - So you are getting married?
President - Well I did call him "my son" earlier, didn't I?
Everyone cheers again.
Daughter - Yes, and in 8 months, 30 days and 23 hours, 37 minutes, little Intercontinental will be born. We're calling him either Innty Arse or Conty Arse.
Reporter 3 - Intercontinental, the cover story in Time is right - you are the greatest human ever!!
Everyone cheers more as Intercontinental hugs the daughter.
Scene 3 - Impotent's Movie Shoot
Impotent is standing nervously in an old warehouse wearing only a small white towel and a nervous smile. Two muscular naked men are fixing video lightin around the bed in the center of the room, and Impotent smiles more as the naked men turn to face him.
Naked Man 1 - You're on Mr. Impotent sir.
Naked Man 2 - Oooh, can I go today??
Naked Man 1 - Noo, you went yesterday, he's mine today. I want to be immortalised on film with the hunk.
The pair start slapping one another.
Impotent - Guys, guys, guys. There's enough Impotent here for you both. But you first Jerry.
Naked Man 2 (not Jerry) - Under breath - Huh, I'd have preferred Intercontinental Arse anyway. What a man!
He smiles like a daydreameras
Impotent drops the towel and leads Jerry to the bed by his thr{\rtf1\ansi\ansicpg1252\deff0\deflang6153{\fonttbl
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